Without Losing Your Cool
It’s been a long semester. You’re worn out. The days are short. It’s arctic outside. You want to relax. And you definitely don’t want to read or write another goddamn word. However, you have finals before you can call it good. This could suck ass, or it could sorta suck ass. Try to make it as painless as possible with these quick tips for finals week:
Abandon all hope of a good time. Everyone else is studying. Nobody wants to party. Even your dog looks at you like he’s too busy to play fetch. Don’t pretend to be happy. You’re not kidding anyone.
Avoid coffee shops. These places are full of assholes. They all look too old to be in college and they will not share the outlet with you so that you can plug in your laptop. Absolutely do not go to a coffee shop for a quick break with friends. You should not be taking any breaks or seeing friends, and everyone in the coffee shop who is an asshole who is studying will look at you like you are the asshole when you open that stupid non studying mouth full of noise.
Avoid the library. Everyone else will be there. Even those Greek kids. Especially those Greek kids. Be sure to avoid the second floor of Anschutz. A frat boy will get his skeez on here regardless of how much you need to study. So unless you are prepared to watch him and his buddies play catch across three tables whilst playing the Ying Yang Twins as loud as possible on a laptop and hollering at orange females, don’t bother.
Avoid studying with another student. Unless he/she is attractive and there will be post study coitus. If it will be strictly platonic, assume that your friend from class is a complete fucktard and will not only sponge answers off of you, but will also browse the Internet while doing so. If there will be post study coitus, use a condom. Nothing spells finals failure like Chlamydia.
Avoid teachers. They are also freaking out. Don’t let them associate fear and panic with your student ID number. This means not asking questions about whether or not W.E.B. Du Bois invented peanut butter. He didn’t, in case you are wondering. If you were wondering, then you’re going to fuck up the Western Civilization II final.
Maintain hygiene. This is no time to develop jock itch or whatever women get. Crotch rot? I don’t know; I’m not a gynecologist. Take a fucking shower.
Take Adderall. This drug will make anything and everything interesting. You will remember even the most boring of facts. You will not sleep. You will not sleep. You will not sleep!
Don’t Take Adderall. Stop being such a pussy. Drink some coffee. Nobody on Earth likes memorizing all twenty amino acids. And nobody on Earth likes talking to you when you’re tweaking out and one pupil is slightly bigger than the other.
Don’t panic. If you already panicking, just remember, your GPA is more sacred than the Holy Grail. Grades are the most important aspect of your life. Everyone is judging you based on how you do in college. If you do not do well then you will not get into the graduate school of your choice or enter the career field you wish to pursue. You will, in short, be a fuck up. Don’t panic.
After it is all done, party. Drink a beer, free base cocaine, breed exotic pets, sleep with a stripper, just pull out, shoot a pistol at the television, make home made pipe bombs, do some illegal dumping, go sledding, shit the bed, drunk dial your ex, friend the hot girls you don’t know on Facebook, drink the blood of the innocent, subscribe to Modern Bride, shave your armpits, eat a squirrel, jump off the roof, wear white jeans, get your period, poach for ivory, masturbate, chew with your mouth full, complain about modern art, roller blade on the wood floor, listen to Tchaikovsky, brag about your sense of smell, shake your tits, smack that ass, get naked, eat the batter, get dressed, go shopping, spin in circles, vomit, don’t pay your taxes, shoplift onions, eat some oatmeal, wonder who you are, take up hang gliding, check for sex offenders in your neighborhood, play possum, put on deodorant, and then drink a beer. Fuck yeah, you’re done.
