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“Potter Smoke Pete” Most Likely Name

Yesterday the Lawrence Police Department received a report of a “lake monster” in Potter Lake.  A brief audio recording was captured by Michelle Tander, the University of Kansas Junior who called the police.

“I was like, sitting by the water listening to a lecture I recorded when I saw this like, huge ripple,” Tander said.  “I turned on my recorder and got some like, really weird noises.  I couldn’t see like, anything through the algae but it sounded kind of like a whale.  Or like maybe a retard.  Is it OK to call them retards?”

Although it is not OK to call them retards, the audio file can be streamed below.

Dr. Peter Wu, a marine biologist at the University of Kansas, analyzed the recording.

“It definitely sounds like a lake monster,” Dr. Wu said.  “July through September is lake monster mating season.  Those are obviously desperate mating calls.  Probably male.  Twenty meters in length.”

When asked if this was a peculiar discovery, Dr. Wu replied, “No, of course not.  Potter Lake is an ideal environment for such an organism.  A little bit of garbage and algae won’t stop a lake monster.  [Lake monsters] eat garbage.  Due to the location of Potter Lake, I would hypothesize that this individual is living mostly on spilled beer and used condoms.”

Dr. Wu advised that students avoid Potter Lake “at all costs” until the creature is destroyed.

Dr. Wu said,  ”As a conservationist, I say, don’t kill the animal.  But as a human, I say, stab it to death as soon as possible.  Lake monsters like garbage. But they love the taste of young human blood more than anything in the world.”

Lawrence Police were unable to find their harpoon guns and have yet to take action.

In the meantime, the Lawrence Police Department has released the following statement to all University of Kansas students: “This party is over.  Go home.  Pour that out.  Yeah, you.  This party is over.  Go home.”

More to come as this story develops…