sprayhawk

Owner Eats Constantly

A motorcycle named Albert committed suicide yesterday afternoon by driving himself into Clinton Lake in Lawrence, Kansas.  Speculations regarding why he ended his life were answered later in the day after his owner, Jason Sanders, found a suicide note tacked to the back of his head.

“It’s hard to reach the back of my head,” Sanders said, “I have a medical condition.”

According to Dr. Martha Heigel at the University of Kansas Medical School, Sanders suffers from a severe case of “fat-ass-itis.”

Dr. Heigel explained, “It is obvious from photographs that Jason Sanders was not only an eater, but he was also a sitter, an avid escalator user, an electric wheelchair at the grocery store enthusiast, and probably a heavy breather.  Unfortunately, Albert, his motorcycle, suffered the brunt of Sanders’ condition.  It is impossible to blame [Sanders], however, because this is a medical condition.  It isn’t like he constantly fed himself unhealthy food with his own two hands and then sat around all the time.”

Below is a copy of Albert’s suicide note.

“Dear World,

I can’t go on.  My suspension is destroyed.  I creak wherever I go.  I can feel my wheels buckling whenever Jason is near.  I have lived a short and unhappy life.  I am useless.  I strongly feel that there should be laws restricting the very fat from owning two wheeled machines of any sort.  It is demeaning to man and damaging to machine.

Tell my manufacturer I love her.

Sic transit gloria.

Goodbye.”

A memorial service will be held for Albert in the Iowa Street Culver’s parking lot at 1:00pm on Saturday.

“Albert may be dead, but I can still eat three butter burgers without getting full,” Sanders said.