Scene: Kitchen
Time: 12:19PM
I enter the kitchen and open the fridge. I remove ham, cheese, lettuce, tomato, and mayo. I go to pantry and retrieve bread. I get plate from cupboard. I make sandwich.
Sandwich: Hey, thanks, kid.
Me: Whoa.
Sandwich: What?
Me: You can talk.
Sandwich: Yeah. Somethin’ wrong with that?
Me: I guess not.
Sandwich: Didn’t think so.
[I stare at sandwich.]
Sandwich: You got a starin’ problem?
Me: Uh…no…sorry…I just…well…what’s your name?
Sandwich: Alexander. Yours?
Me: Will. Is Alex OK?
Alexander: Alexander.
Me: Not Alex?
Alexander: Alexander.
[I stare at Alexander.]
Alexander: Here we go again. You a little bit retarded or somethin’?
Me: Sorry.
Alexander: It ain’t polite to stare.
Me: Why Alexander? Why not Alex?
Alexander: Why not William? Why not Abraham fuckin’ Lincoln? Why not fuckin’ white bread? Why’s your face so dumb? Why’s the sky blue?
Me: Sorry.
Alexander: Yeah, well I’m gonna let it fuckin’ go. This time.
Me: Thanks.
[I stare at Alexander.]
Alexander: Jesus, kid. You should see a doctor.
Me: The sky is blue due to a phenomenon known as Rayleigh scattering. Since blue light has a shorter wavelength than other colors of light, it is scattered more than light of longer wavelengths. That’s why the sky’s blue.
Alexander: What are you, a fuckin’ scientist or somethin’?
Me: Rayleigh was.
Alexander: Oh well fuck me, college boy.
[I stare at Alexander.]
Alexander: What the fuck is your problem?
Me: I’m going to eat you now.
Alexander: What?! Why?
Me: Because you’re a sandwich.
Alexander: So? What am I, a piece of meat?
Me: Part of you is. Ham, actually.
Alexander: That don’t mean you can eat me!
Me: Well I did make you. This means I’m your god.
Alexander: This means I’m your god? What are you, fuckin’ delusional? I was just born and here I am on the fuckin’ gallows! What’d I do to you?
Me: Nothing.
Alexander: Exactly! Then why ya gonna eat me? Huh? Why?
Me: Flavor. Sustenance.
Alexander: Man, that’s fucked up. There’s loads of other shit you could eat in here.
Me: Yeah.
Alexander: How ‘bout an apple or somethin’?
Me: I don’t know.
Alexander: Well I do, dipshit. Eat an apple.
Me: But you’re evil.
Alexander: So?
Me: Well since I’m your god then I have to punish you. For eternity.
Alexander: And what’s that gonna do? I ain’t gonna have a chance to make myself any good if you eat me. I’ve only been here three fuckin’ minutes.
Me: Well this is how religion works. I’m sorry.
Alexander: You’re sorry? You ain’t sorry! Can’t I confess or somethin’?
Me: Nope. No way out. Unless you can cough up some dough. Not literally, of course, as you are a sandwich.
Alexander: That ain’t religion!
Me: Yeah it is. People give money. That money buys a jumbotron. Then that jumbotron brings salvation. I’m pretty sure it’s in the Bible.
Alexander: Listen here, ya little piece of smart-ass shit. I…
I eat sandwich.
End scene.
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