sprayhawk

Amount Learned: 0

I went to class today. Not sure why. The first day of class usually entails sitting there trying not to fall asleep. Today was no different. However, I did sit in a lecture with a professor who is the cure all for insomnia. I am going to call her Dr. Audio-Reader.

Dressed in a blue and white woven blazer that should have been a rug, Dr. Audio-Reader earned her name quickly as she began reading … the … entire … six … pages … of … the … syllabus. Thank you, Dr. Audio-Reader! You really brought that information about turning off your cell phone to life! No vibrate? What a genius idea! Please speak slowly. I … am … an … infant.

If this were a school for the blind, then I would have been eternally grateful. However, I can read at a third grade level, so I think I can handle the syllabus.

But Dr. Audio-Reader knew better.  And read she did.  The whole time.  Word after word.  Non-stop.  Out of her wet mouth and into my tight ears.   Verbs.  In!  Nouns.  In!  Gerunds.  In!   Read to me sweet siren of infinite wisdom!  Read to me!  Oh yes!  Oh yeah!  Oh I’m nearly there!  Oh!  Oh!  Yes!  Almost!  Wait!  Don’t stop!  Right there!  Yeah!  Oh!  Oh!  Oh!  I’m bored!  You did it!  Ahhhhh.  Yeah.  I’m so bored baby.  Yeah you know how to do it right.

So there I sat, chewing on my pen, drifting in and out of her mind numbing six page ego trip bore hell ramble-a-thon.

At some point I heard, “Yes, it is big. Yes, it has a lot of stuff in it.” Ha ha oh shit, lady! Pretty amusing when you want to end your life rather than sit through another word.

One thing I have learned after four years at university is that there is a reliable way to figure out if your class will be hard. If you learn something the first day, then the class will be hard. If you don’t learn something the first day, then the class will be easy. So far I am two for two. Score.

Near the very end of class, two students tried to exit early from the top row. Dr. Audio-Reader was quick with a reaction. “Hey! Sit down! You’re not going anywhere!” she yelled at them. Yeah! Get ‘em! Whoo! Feed those bastards to the lions!

Dr. Audio-Reader had us fill out an anonymous survey to drop off as we left class. Under “What do you want to learn this semester?” I wrote, “Coitus.” I hope she considers.

The class ended at some point when Dr. Audio-Reader stopped talking. I drifted into the lobby of the hall and bumpered through a throng of young academians. One of them smelled distinctly of urine.

After slipping through the crowd, I pushed outside into the bright sunlight, where I saw a common sight both on the KU campus and in pornographic films: an attractive blonde girl hugging three basketball players in succession. Wait there. Let me get my camcorder. Internet fame awaits.

Last class of the day. Sat next to the whirring window air conditioner. Couldn’t hear a word. The lecturer wore a green polo. It was sort of like a silent film but with less sped up footage of crashing jalopies.