sprayhawk

Dear Swine Flu,

I know you’ve been watching me.  I see you wherever I go.  You’re probably parked outside my house in a windowless van right now…waiting.

You think I’m weak.  You think I’ll be easy.  You’re wrong.  I’m determined not to fall under your magic piggy spell.

Yeah.  I’ve been partying a little bit, so what?  It’s my last semester.  And beer is delicious.  How can I resist?

And before you say anything, I know that I should go to bed early, but I’d rather stay up late drinking cheap wine and watching Ice Road Truckers.  It’s a good show.  A lot of stuff goes wrong.  It’s cold.  Icy, even.  And there is one girl that is sort of attractive in a trailer park kind of way.

But that’s not the point.  I just ask that you leave me alone, despite my continuing efforts to deplete my immune system.  Since returning to Lawrence, I’ve been drinking alcohol regularly, drinking water sparingly, sneezing without covering my mouth, not sleeping, not washing my hands, sharing drinks, playing beer pong outside, and eating left over food off of strangers’ plates at IHOP.  Don’t laugh.  I was drunk.  And it’s not as bad as it sounds because the pancakes were hardly touched.

Now before you judge this last thing I’m going to tell you, I want you to know that I was beyond drunk.  This is college; so let’s just chalk it up to experience.

I had sex with a pig I met at a party.  I hadn’t seen her around before.  It was innocent.  I caught her eye and then we started dancing.  Then we were tongue kissing in the foyer.  Then I was feeling her teats.  Then everything got a little bit foggy after that.  I woke up the next morning with her in my bed.  SO AWKWARD. And she wouldn’t shut up!

She was like, “Oink.  Oink.  Oink oink oink.  Oink oink oink oink oink.  Oink.”

And I was all, “Chillax little piggy!”

Then she was like, “Oiiiiinnnk!  Oink!  OINK!  OINK!  OINK!  OINK OINK OINK!”

And I was all, “Whoa, babe, seriously.”

Then she pissed the bed.  Then she shit the bed. Then she rolled in it.

Then we talked for a while about our life goals and ambitions.  Eventually I drove her home to some sorority where she lives.

But she said she was clean.  I’ve been worrying about it since it happened and I’m not sure what to do.  Should I go to Watkins Student Health Center?

Wait, why am I asking you?  You live at Watkins.  If I don’t have swine flu then that’s where I should go to get it.

Anyway, I’ve got to sign off now.  Some sort of animal rights group is pretty upset about this and they won’t stop calling me.  I can’t imagine why this situation is so unique.  Lots  of drunk porking goes down at KU.

See you never,

Will