sprayhawk

The New World Religion

I was in class today when the professor announced she was changing an exam date due to a religious holiday.  She said something about respect.  This gave me an idea.

Why don’t I start my own religion?  If I can get enough followers, then I can get respect, and if I get respect, then I can have religious holidays.  And if I can have religious holidays, then I can delay exams.  And my religion is going to have LOTS of religious holidays.

Some might say that starting a religion is not easy.  Some might even argue that religions are not “started”.  However, there are patterns shared by most religions.  Let us consider these commonalities as part of a general religious framework.  I will build my religion based on this figurative scaffold.

The most popular religions all have the following themes: a god, a prophet, a goal, a punishment, and a set of basic tenets to live by.

My religion will be called “Hardism”.

Below I have outlined some basic statutes of Hardism while I am working on a proper holy text.

A God

Beard.  White robe.  Laser vision.  Done.

A Prophet

Christianity has Jesus, Islam has Mohammad, and the New York Yankees have Babe Ruth.  Every religion has one dude who kicked prodigious ass.  This guy should be able to walk on water, slay non-believers by the thousands, or hit shit loads of home runs.

At first I wanted to choose myself as the prophet.  But then I realized I don’t have a beard or a robe and I can’t hit home runs.  Basically, I’m just not awesome enough to be a prophet.  Also, I realized that it’s much easier to sell how great someone is if they are dead and not around to fuck it up.

That’s why I chose Warren Harding.  No, not the dead President.  The dead climber.  Harding is the most badass motherfucker I can think of.  If you aren’t familiar, I suggest you visit his Wikipedia page.

He who climbs The Captain shall follow the path of the Holy Prophet Warren Harding.

Harding was the leader of the first team to climb El Capitan and a pioneer of big wall climbing.  He was responsible for many impressive first ascents in Yosemite and the Sierras.  More importantly, when Harding wasn’t climbing, he drank endless amounts of cheap red wine, wore black, and didn’t give a fuck.

When Harding was asked about what he thought of Royal Robbins, a more reserved, though no less prominent climber, Harding responded, “Me and Royal are different.  He likes to play chess.  I like to get fucked up on red wine.”

Who knows if this quote is real?  But then again, who cares?  This is religion, not reality.

Other tales speak of Harding rolling up to Yosemite in a red Jaguar convertible with a supermodel riding shotgun, never doing any climbing and just getting wasted and talking about past climbs.  If you can’t worship this man, then you can’t worship any man.

Let it be known that Warren Harding is the prophet.

The holy text will consist of stories of Warren Harding rolling around the Sierras, climbing impossible routes, and making love to beautiful women.

Goal: Follow Hardism and you will reach…

Heaven.  This place will be a physical expression of your imagination.  Whatever you can imagine will be possible.  With lots of climbing, of course.

Punishment: Do not follow Hardism and you will end up in…

Hell.  You will have to attend middle school for all eternity, in Kansas.

Tenets/Morals

What?

Just kidding.  Of course Hardism has rules to live by.  This is a religion.  It needs to be confining, narrow minded, and eventually out-dated.  As a Hardist, you must be:

For: climbing, surfing, drinking, revelry, fearlessness, adventure, convertibles, shameless embellishment of feats, sleeping on the ground, pulling out

Against: fluorescent lighting, complaining bitches, whiny bitches, annoying bitches, any bitches, desk jobs, pulling out

Yes, there are some inconsistencies here.  But that’s what religion is all about!

Like I said, this is just an outline.  But I think it’s a good start.  Go ahead and start living as a Hardist right away.  The holy book will hit stores as soon as I write it.

Amen.

Oh and I was thinking that all Hardists should have a memorable greeting for fellow Hardists.  It could go like this:

Greeter: Get Hard!

Responder: That’s what she said!

Please let me know if you have any ideas to improve this.  I could easily write you into the Holy text as a disciple or an archangel.