sprayhawk

Large and important students touch each other with fervor.

According to the Daily Kansan, today a group of University of Kansas basketball players were involved in a scuffle with a group of KU football players while on campus.  What a “scuffle” actually entails is still to be decided, though it is certain that “someone’s ass is gonna get beat” if this problem is not resolved.  Click here to see the UDK article.

Although many details have yet to be elucidated, one thing is certain: it ends here.  We will finally get an answer to the Ultimate Question, the one that plagues all, a question that even the Holy Bible cannot answer:

Which is better, college basketball or college football?

What we are beginning to learn is that this question will never be answered with “pussy ass shit talking”.  This situation needs pushes, punches, and a possibly a scissor kick in slow motion.  We are all watching, collegiate athletes.  Throw the fuck down!  Why spend all that time in the weight room if you aren’t going to snap necks?  I’m beginning to believe that football players are useless without pads on, and I’m pretty sure the basketball team isn’t worth a shit if they aren’t on a polished pine floor.  But that’s just me “talkin’ shit”.

You see, I want in on the action.  I want to punch someone in the kidney when they come out of Earthquakes and Natural Disasters.  I want to hit somebody in the back of the head with a Five Star Trapper Keeper and yell, “Fucking football RULES, bitch!”  I want to stab someone in the shin with a number two pencil and then run the fuck away.  Because these guys are HUGE.

But where’s the damage?  Was there a fight at all?  Where are the black eyes, the broken bones, or the lost teeth?

What I’m most disappointed about is that there is no video of anything actually happening.  Where are you, sacred YouTube?  Where were the camera phones?  Texting?  Dammit.  I guess we’ll have to use our imaginations, just like when Mangino ate all those stray cats.  What happened to those cute kittens?  Breakfast happened, that’s what.  I can still imagine him licking the kitty blood off his finger tips.

It could be weeks until this situation is resolved.  However, I want you all to know that I am working on speeding up the process.  We should know which sport is better by the end of the semester at the latest.  You see, I’m petitioning the Student Senate to erect a twenty-foot cage where we can host inter-sport fights.  Perhaps on Thursdays we could have mud wrestling between the women’s volleyball team and the women’s soccer team.  Sexy AND dangerous.

What we can all agree on is that ball sports at the collegiate level are the most important aspect of our insignificant lives.  There is nothing I love more than going to an extremely crowded place, wearing the same color as everyone else, where everyone wants the same result I do, and then shouting in a near religious frenzy until that result is either attained or not attained.  I love to see other men do extraordinary things, such as jump and place objects in small hoops, or run quickly while holding a pointy ball without getting pulverized.  I love to follow this activity by going home and drinking myself retarded and reflecting on the failures or accomplishments of others.

Wait a minute, that sounds idiotic.  Wait a minute, Will doesn’t like ball sports!  Holy shit!  Heretic!  Kill him!  Burn this bastard!  Jayhawks!  Whoo! Yeah!

Whoa.  On second thought, just let me in on the action.  I want to be on the brass knuckle wielding side of those who don’t give a fuck.