Today I begin with the first of a series of articles I will be calling “Guess Who.” Each article will feature a different type of University of Kansas student. After four years at KU, I have found portions of the student body to be highly predictable and classifiable. In such cases, a particular physical appearance correlates with specific behavioral traits and life choices. Please enjoy the first in the series: The Johnson County Thug.
AKA: White Hat. Wigger. Fuckhead.
SEX: Male
MAJOR: Communications.
AVERAGE IQ: 97.
PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES:
Size: Average to Small.
Grooming: Short hair. Possible goatee.
FASHION:
Stores: The Buckle. Hollister. Lidz.
Shoes: White Adidas.
Uppers: Hurley t-shirt with elaborately stenciled Hurley hoodie.
Lowers: Baggy jeans.
Headwear: Oversized white baseball hat with flat bill and shiny sticker still intact.
Accessories: Silver link chain. Blackberry. Three year old Lifestyles snugger fit condom.
MUSIC: Radio rap. Techn9ne. Slightly Stoopid. Bob Marley. Limp Bizkit. Citizen Cope if with a girl (unlikely).
TRANSPORTATION: Moderately new Japanese sedan with driver’s seat tilted back. Chrome or gold wheels. Rapid lane changes.
HANGOUTS: Corporate apartment complexes on the outskirts of town. High school parties. The mall.
CATCHPHRASES: “Pussy!” “Faggot!” “Pussy faggot!” “You talkin’ shit?” “Yo bitch!” “Fuck dat!” “Bitch you must be playin’.” “You gonna step to me like that?”
ENTERTAINMENT: Talking shit. Talking about talking shit. Talking about talking about talking shit. Beer pong. Thug hugs. Ultimate Fighting Championship. Joe Rogan. Madden. Rufulin.
SEX LIFE: Unconscious girls. Chronic masturbation. Celibacy.
FUTURE CAREER SECTORS: Inheritance. Car sales. Gay porn.
PSYCHOLOGICAL ANALYSIS: The Johnson County Thug’s behavior stems from deep-rooted issues of insecurity due to small penis size. Additionally, he is upset that he was not born in Compton, despite the fact that he would have died at an early age had this been the case. He is deprived of a distinct personality and prefers to make all decisions corresponding with his peer group, which consists entirely of other Johnson County Thugs. Overt aggression is common, though it is generally for show and does not usually amount to more than verbal affronts while under the protection of other Thugs. He is desperate to prove his manhood to his peer group, though he is devoid of any characteristics of a man, particularly self-control. Severe homophobia and near constant use of homosexual references serve as strong evidence for latent homosexuality.
HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS PERSON:
Don’t bother talking back. Just hit him.
“Just hit him” (With your face).