You may have seen them migrating slowly across campus, perhaps pulling a backpack with wheels. They’re forty and they’re back in school! No, it’s not a bad Drew Barrymore movie; it’s The Female Nontraditional Student. I will be focusing on the women that grace our campus with their dashes of gray and “real world knowledge”. Below I have tried to pick out some of the key characteristics of these highly entertaining academicians.
NAME: The Female Nontraditional Student
AKA: Non-Trad. That weird old lady in my class. Mom.
SEX: Female
AGE: 30-50
PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES:
Size: Frumpy.
Grooming: Conservative. Greasy.
FASHION:
Shoes: Keds. Clogs. Anything suede. Generic sneakers. Jellies.
Uppers: Red velour jacket. Turtleneck. White button up shirt. Baggy hoody. Tucked in shirt.
Lowers: Tapered jeans with elastic waistband, but without butt pockets (Mom jeans). White mom jeans. Black mom jeans.
Accessories: Pencil box. Backpack with wheels. Big belt. Reading glasses.
Stores: Talbots. Fashions At Large. J.C. Penny. Dillard’s. Khol’s.
MUSIC: Celine Deon. Elton John. Billy Joel. Robert Goulet. The Brian Setzer Orchestra.
TRANSPORTATION: The K-10 Connector. Minivan.
HANGOUTS: Office hours. The library.
CATCHPHRASES: “Well, I’ve got kids and…” “Well, when I was in school the first time…” “You know, epidurals aren’t that bad…”
ENTERTAINMENT: Parenting. Renting movies. Talking to the professor every day after class. Discussing their last three pregnancies in class. Proving more attractive female students wrong. Fertility monitors.
SEX LIFE: Gross.
FUTURE CAREER SECTORS: Veterinary technician. Mid-level management. Quintiles. Full time mom.
BEHAVIORAL ANALYSIS: The Nontraditional student is here to do something the rest of us put on the backburner: get a college education. While we are breaking personal keg stand records and searching for Tuesday night drink specials, Non-Trads are putting the little ones to bed and studying in depth note cards. Female Non-Trads are generally recent mothers, and will not hesitate to refer to their spawn in a completely irrelevant manner during class. Non-Trads can get heavily involved in class discussions, as they are old enough to not be embarrassed by their own opinions (though they should be). As they are older, they tend to have a greater ability to identify with the professor rather than the other students. This can lead to behavior that may appear to be sucking up, such as sitting at the front of class and nodding and smiling at everything the professor says, as well as laughing at his or her jokes. Occasionally there will be a short bout of grotesque flirting between the professor and the Non-Trad, though it must be stressed that this is rare. On occasion, a Non-Trad will exhibit behaviors stemming from personal insecurity. These behaviors may come to light during in class discussions, when Non-Trads explain that they, in fact, know everything, and will put you to bed without dinner if you don’t watch your mouth.
HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS PERSON:
Go ahead and say hi, but only if you want to talk about your kids. Eyes off the FUPA.
Amazing as always