sprayhawk

Oh, so you’re not sure what you want to do with your life?  Well he does.  He’s known since the age of eleven, when he began to understand the meaning of material wealth.  He wants to be a cardiothoracic surgeon, whatever the hell that is.  Although he recites philanthropic sound bites, he’s full of shit, and will most likely end up a research assistant.

NAME: The Pre-Medicine Biology Student

AKA:  Pre-med.  Lil’ Doc.  That kid who cheats off my test.  Dr. McGoober.

SEX: Male

GPA: Competitive.

PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES:

Size: Average.

Grooming:  Conservative.

FASHION:

Shoes:  Navy blue scrubs.

Uppers:  Navy blue scrubs.  Lawrence Memorial Hospital Volunteer polo.

Lowers: Navy blue scrubs.  Tight underpants.

Accessories: U.S. News Medical School Rankings book.  Dulled number two pencils for faster Scantron bubbling.  Superiority complex.

MUSIC: Medical mnemonic jingles.

HANGOUTS:  The library.  Office hours.  Lawrence Memorial Hospital.  

CATCHPHRASES: “Yeah.  I’m pre-med.”  “Are you pre-med?”  “What med schools are you applying to?”  “I’m gonna be a surgeon.”  “What did you get on that test?”  “The MCAT was easy.”  “My GPA is competitive.”

PICK-UP LINES: “Yeah.  I’m pre-med.  I’m thinking plastic surgeon.”  “I just want to help people.”

ENTERTAINMENT: Patronizing fellow students.  Cheating on Biochemistry exams.  Ogling photographs of Stanford on the Internet.  Researching salary statistics.  Administering fellatio to the faculty.

SEX LIFE: Masturbating to Gray’s Anatomy.  No, not the show.

FUTURE CAREER SECTORS: Research assistant.  Medical supplies distribution.

BEHAVIORAL ANALYSIS: The Pre-Medicine Biology Student exhibits arrogance at an alarming level.  He is highly competitive by nature, and will take any steps necessary to show others that he is better than them.  This may lead to claims of scoring the highest on tests, explaining that everything is easy to him, and that he is going to be a surgeon.  After watching hundreds of episodes of ER, Chicago Hope, Scrubs, House and Grey’s Anatomy, he has been brainwashed into believing that these glamorized versions of medicine are actual reality.  He views becoming a doctor as a way to become rich and reach the upper echelons of society, where true respect will await him.  In the meantime, he uses his virtually meaningless label as “Pre-Med” to pick up girls who are naïve enough to believe that all Pre-Med students are intelligent, or even destined for success.  When fellow students explain that being a doctor is an extremely stressful profession, and that the pay is not as good as it used to be, particularly due to the state of the healthcare system, he will run home and pop in a House DVD and put on a white jacket, touching himself and imagining that he will one day impress Dr. House with his knowledge of kidney failure.

HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS PERSON:

Don’t talk to him about classes, unless you want to discuss all your grades by percentage for all of your classes over the past two years.  You actually won’t have anything else to discuss, because that’s all he talks about.  Tell him about your friend in med school who couldn’t get a surgery residency if you want to see him squirm.