sprayhawk

Why is he smiling?  Why are his eyes red?  Why is he eating my chips?  What’s that smell?  Is he going to pass that?

NAME: The Pot Head

AKA:  Cheech.  The Stoner.  Panama Red.  That weird smelling kid in my class.

SEX: Male

AVERAGE IQ: 125?  Wait, 120?  Wait, 115.  Yeah.  Wait, what were we talking about?

PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES:

Size: Either skinny from muscle atrophy or fat from Taco Bell.

Grooming:  Huh?

FASHION:

Shoes: Flip-flops.  Vans.

Uppers:  Tie-dye T-shirt.  Phish T-shirt.  Grateful Dead T-shirt.  Jackets with secret pockets.

Lowers: Super comfy jeans.

Accessories:  Backpack.  Bubbler.  Bong.  Steamroller.  One-hitter.  Zig-Zags.  A couple grams.  Lighter.  Snacks.

MUSIC: Endless, directionless, repetitive jam music.  Phish.  Grateful Dead.  Government Mule.  Bob Marley.  Ziggy Marley.  Todd Marley.  Susan Marley.  311.  Incubus.  Bass Nectar.  Sound Tribe.  Jimi Hendrix.  Pink Floyd.  Pink Floyd tribute bands.  And…ugh…the worst of them all…Kottonmouth Kings.

HANGOUTS:  The couch.  The park.  Walking around aimlessly.  His sketchy dealer’s living room.  Outer space.

CATCHPHRASES: “Dude.”  “Smell this!  It smells fruity!”  “Have you ever _____ while high?  It’s so much better.”  “Look at these crystals.”  “I only sell to my friends.”  “You goin’ to Bass Nectar?”  “I got some purple urple.”  “It’s Orange Kush.”  “It’s White Widow.”  “It’s Humboldt Homegrown.”  “It’s a blend.”  “It’s local.  Totally local.”  “Outer space is like, so big.”  “I’m thinkin’ about growin’.”  “I’m a better driver when I’m high.”  “You gotta try this.”  “I’m high.  So high.  Like.  Baked.  Dude.”  “Dude.”  “Duuuude.”  “Dude.”  “Dude.”  “Dude.”  “Dude?”  “Dude!”  Dude…”

ENTERTAINMENT: Smoking marijuana.  Talking about smoking marijuana.  Buying weed and pipes.  Smoking marijuana.  Lasers.  Bright lights.  Fluorescent posters.  Magic Eye posters.  Talking about smoking Salvia.  Sniffing marijuana.  Viewing nugs on the Internet.  Putting up High Times posters.  Cuddling nugs with near maternal love.  Homemade bongs.  Quelling the munchies.  Putting out the vibes.  Doing J’s.  The Big Lebowski.  Talking about the bottom of the ocean and outer space.  Smoking marijuana.

SEX LIFE: Where’d she go?  I was gonna smoke her up.  Wait, where’d my chips go?  Where’s the bong?

FUTURE CAREER SECTORS: Lowe’s Garden Center.  National Park Service.  Environmental Studies Professor.  Subway Sandwich Artist.  Jail.

BEHAVIORAL ANALYSIS: The Pot Head doesn’t just smoke pot.  He LIVES pot.  All activities are deemed better while high, therefore getting high must precede every activity.  First signs of Pot Headedness will begin with smoking before simple activities such as going to see a movie or eat food, but the true Pot Head will smoke weed before doing homework, before driving, before leaving the house, before blowing his nose, before…well…everything.  The Pot Head gets high two to ten times a day, with others or alone.  Although he appears to be functional, his perception of the world is cloudy at best, leaving him in a sort of ambivalent catatonic haze.  He will swear that smoking does not slow him down or have any negative side effects.  If anything, he will claim that smoking pot cures cancer or makes him better at certain activities.  When he gets high, he will not be particularly joyful or giggly, but will seem as he always does.  The normalcy of smoking so much weed will begin to overtake all aspects of his life.  All conversation topics will be somehow related to weed, and the only time that he will display a sense of urgency is when he is about to run out of marijuana.  His fixation on marijuana will make him particularly boring and predictable to be around.  Pot Heads sometimes attract girls with their relaxed and friendly demeanor and by offering them hits off the bong.  There is a possibility that this will work, perhaps leading into a relationship, though eventually the girl will either becomes a Pot Head herself or leave the Pot Head behind, realizing that all of life cannot be experienced from a couch.  Although his immersion in a single drug seems debilitating, many Pot Heads continue to function on an average level.  In the event that he does not get too heavily into LSD or MDMA, there is a possibility that he will continue to smoke pot many times a day for years and lead an absolutely average lifestyle.  However, it is not uncommon that Pot Heads will eventually stop smoking pot on their own accord.  Many cut back by Junior or Senior year, when they suddenly realize that even smoking marijuana four times a day can get boring.

HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS PERSON:

Be friendly if you want to smoke weed for free.  However, don’t expect this often, unless you are an attractive female.  The Pot Head is usually very nice, but very boring, so be prepared to sit through that forty minute Grateful Dead guitar solo or listen to his armchair botanist theories on cross strain hybridization and proper growing techniques.